Review: Battleship

Well, it’s official.  Taylor Kitsch has absolutely no range as an actor.  I thought I would announce that here because it’s probably not a well known fact since according to theatrical box office numbers, most of you have not seen any of his movies.  Having just completed the third leg of the Year of the Kitsch (John Carter, Savages, Battleship), I can tell you that he delivered the same performance in each of the movies and that of the three, his work in Battleship was the most onerous. 

When the creative team pitched this film, they probably convinced the fine folks at Universal that they had the winning formula – an amalgamation of Armageddon, Friday Night Lights, Pearl Harbor, Independence Day, and believe it or not – just a tiny bit of Titanic; action director Peter Berg to go along with the long-haired dude from Friday Night Lights; and Rihanna and Brooklyn Decker to provide some eye candy for the young male audience.  And as if all this were not enough to ensure a successful summer popcorn flick, this movie would be based off of Hasbro’s board game, Battleship. 

Unfortunately, someone forgot to tell the powers-that-be that the core members of this target demographic probably have never played a board game – let alone Battleship, and those old enough to remember the game would probably consider the premise downright silly.  Still with Peter Berg, director of Hancock, The Kingdom, Friday Nights Lights, and The Rundown, attached to the project and an astronomical budget (upwards of $210M), I had some hope that a entertaining film could rise from the rubble.  Sadly, I was wrong.

Forget the silly association to Battleship and the requisite tedious steps taken to tie back to that Hasbro property, because this is a nuts-and-bolts alien invasion movie set out on the ocean.  There’s nothing new about the premise and unfortunately no acting, no action choreography, and no set design is able to compensate for this banality.  It truly feels like a case of "been there; done that."  Many of the scenes in the film remind you of something you’ve seen somewhere only done better, and if any of your hopes for this movie were pinned to the presence of Liam Neeson, then forget about it.  He’s pure window dressing.

As for the cast, Kitsch is his usual low rumbling monotone self, exuding very little presence.  He doesn’t have the shoulders to carry a movie let alone a big budget blockbuster, but given the right role he can be of value to a cast (as in Savages).  Also along for the ride are Brooklyn Decker and Rihanna, two women who are not known for their acting chops and it doesn’t take long to be reminded of that in this film.  Alexander Skarsgard, Jesse Plemons, Peter MacNicol, et al are adequate at best and do not do enough to warrant much more than a passing mention, and my best guess is that Liam Neeson probably put in a few days of work at most on this set.

But really, this movie isn’t about the cast.  It’s about the spectacle and of course the silly association with Hasbro.  And while it is very mediocre, it certainly is not the worst movie of the year.  I can’t in good faith recommend it, but I am not vehemently against it.  If I were still living up in the northeast and it was a miserable winter night at the end of a long week, I could see the value in mindlessly watching this film.  But really, if you want an alien invasion film, there are so many better choices.  Ditto, if you are looking for a war epic or even a nautical thriller.  There is no shortage of replacements.  What you have then in Battleship is a movie not bad enough to despise but not good enough to remember.  At the end of the day this kind of cinematic mediocrity is relegated to that figurative place where forgotten movies go while Universal execs are left to lament a $200M investment in Taylor Kitsch (though they can take comfort in knowing that they have company in Disney).

Standout Performance: Tadanobu Asano gets a participation award for having to carry the scene that most tediously tries to evoke memories of the board game and for his attempt to sell that scene with such conviction.  

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Review: What to Expect When You Are Expecting

I did not want to see What to Expect When You Are Expecting.  No man does and if he says otherwise then he is either lying because his significant other is within earshot or the person he has been dying to go out with, finally said “yes” and in an act of sheer cruelty chose this movie.  So then you may be wondering why I plunked down thirteen hard earned dollars to see this movie.  The simple answer is The Dictator.  A wise person once told me that relationships are all about compromise and since my girlfriend gave in on that movie, I had to give in on this one.  Having seen What to Expect, I can tell you that both of us left the cinema absolutely disappointed because I wanted the movie to be short and she was expecting to laugh.

Based on the novel of the same name, the title of the plot kind of says it all.  The movie is about a bunch of couples that are pregnant or expecting to welcome a new child into their respective homes.  They all face a different set of problems as they move towards the big day and somehow all amazingly end up at the same hospital at the same time for the same reason.  Fear not, the credibility of this movie has completely evaporated long before you ever reach that implausible point in the plot.

I have mentioned it in this space before, but I really don’t like these movies that have ridiculously large ensemble casts and trace a number of loosely connected storylines (i.e. Valentine’s Day and New Years Eve).  What to Expect When You are Expecting has definitely reinforced my distaste for this disturbing trend.  Forget about all the things that are annoying about this type of filmmaking (stunt casting, poor character development, et al), the central issue with this project is that it is simply not funny.  Don’t be fooled by the presence of Chris Rock and the daddy crew as their jokes are as bland and neutered as their characters.  This paucity of laughter could have been forgiven if only the plot of the film tugged at the proverbial heart strings, but the only time it elicits any kind of reaction from viewers is when a newborn baby is paraded across the screen.

As for the cast, they are for the most part uninspired.  There are too many people in this group and an overabundance of weak performances to address, but there are a few who stood out as particularly subpar.  Chris Rock had to be laughing all the way to the bank when he cashed the check for this movie, because clearly he mailed it in.  He is not funny and he is clearly not trying.  Likewise to Elizabeth Banks who often does good work, but fails to bring any sort of charisma to a very significant role.  If there is one person who acquits herself, it is Rebel Wilson who essentially reprises her character from Bridesmaids and in doing so provides what few laughs there are to be had.

Needless to say I do not recommend this movie.  Avoid this movie at all cost.  If someone should give you a copy of the DVD for your birthday, then throw it away (and de-friend that person on Facebook).  If you happen to see it on TV, change the channel.  There are a million better ways to spend your time than watching the cinematic equivalent of a root canal.  In lieu of this movie, watch anything else.  You’re more likely to be entertained.

Standout Performance: Rebel Wilson is the lone source of laughter in this purported comedy.

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