Review: Dark Shadows (2012)

Love or hate him, the one thing you can say about Johnny Depp is that he makes interesting choices.  The lineup of characters that he has played is a veritable rogues gallery of the eccentric.  Sure, there is the occasional John Dillinger (Public Enemies) or George Jung (Blow), but more often than not Depp has been covered in wigs, makeup, and outlandish costumes – especially when Tim Burton is involved.  There have been some signature performances along the way, but there have also been some incredible misses.  Before ever seeing a single frame of Dark Shadows, I was prepared to label it the latter.  Now having seen the movie, I am not exactly sure under which category this performance belongs, but this is oddly appropriate since few have been able to properly grasp the scope of the movie itself.

Dark Shadows (2012) - based on a fantasy horror TV show from the late 1960’s – is the story of Barnabas Collins, a cursed vampire who returns from a 200 year absence to find his family’s fortunes in decay.  While vowing to return the Collins family to prominence, he must also deal with the haunting loss of his former love, with his unquenchable thirst for blood, and with the witch who has cursed his family.

If you can believe it, this movie was originally marketed as a comedy.  This means that either the film was wrongly marketed or poorly executed.  Sure there are a few chuckles that come from the fish-out-of-water set up of having a vampire wake up two centuries later smack dab in the middle of 1970’s Maine, but that novelty fades quickly along with any sense of humor.  What’s left is a jambalaya comprised of soap opera caliber familial melodrama, cheesy Goth, and 1970’s décor – not necessarily the most appetizing cinematic combination.  I did not however hate this movie like I thought I would, but I was left wondering why anyone would make this movie and why anyone would go out of their way to see it.  While it’s not terribly executed, there’s no purpose or appeal to this project – hence the relatively modest $238M worldwide gross (or roughly a $35M loss for WB).

In the film, Tim Burton’s direction is surprisingly subdued by his usual outlandish standards and I actually like the way he and his creative team capture Maine.  This goes ditto for the cast.  Johnny Depp knows how to play weird and eccentric and Michelle Pfeiffer, Helena Bonham Carter, and Jackie Earle Haley absolutely exude the decay that has taken hold of the Collins estate.  Likewise, Bella Heathcote does a nice job as the pretty but detached Victoria Winters.  Sadly, disappointment with the cast came from two very unlikely sources in Eva Green and Chloe Grace Moretz.  Both have shown themselves extremely well in the past in Casino Royale and (500) Days of Summer respectively, but their performances in this film seemed off kilter and a little too camp for my taste.

So then what this adds up to is a decently directed and decently acted movie with a clunky premise and an awkward plot, which just kind of makes all the effort seem for naught.  While Dark Shadows is not really a terrible movie, I can’t find any one good reason to recommend that you see it.  This is a bottom-of-the-Netflix-queue kind of movie that you will probably never get around to seeing because the continuous stream of new releases hitting the market.  However, should you find yourself sitting in front of the television on a Wednesday night with the movie onscreen, you won’t completely loath yourself for watching it.  For all you Johnny Depp fans, here is hoping he finds better luck in his next feature film as Tonto in The Lone Ranger.  I, for one, am not optimistic.

Standout Performance: Bella Heathcote.  It is a fine line to playing a slightly detached   character from as such a performance can easily be construed as cold and robotic.  Heathcote pulls it off well and maintains a strong semblance of likability.

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Review: New Year's Eve

Let’s fast forward through the diatribe I typically express whenever I come across one of those ensemble cast movies that features half of Hollywood (Valentine’s Day, What to Expect When You Are Expecting).  Let’s just accept the fact that I think they are terrible, lack character development, and feature actors just mailing it in.  Having just seen the movie New Year’s Eve I can tell that I saw nothing in this movie that makes me feel otherwise. 

New Year’s Eve follows the lives of a bunch of people in New York City on New Year’s Eve battling the holidays, the elements, and the trite sentimentality that drives their respective matters of the heart.  Why director Garry Marshall – he of Pretty Woman, Beaches, and The Princess Diaries fame – keeps venturing into this genre is beyond me, but rather than completely dismiss the film as a complete write off, I am going to highlight the glorified vignettes and how they don’t work to varying degrees.

Ashton Kutcher and Lea Michele star in the “love in the elevator” portion of the movie and their collective performance plays like two high school drama students acting out a series of romantic clichés.  Not much better than that, is the “mending the fences” storyline as brought to life by Jon Bon Jovi and Katherine Heigl, though there is a thin layer of authenticity to this plot line as Heigl is asked to play a bitter and domineering woman and Bon Jovi a selfish self-centered musician.  On the opposite end of the authenticity spectrum is the performance of Josh Duhamel who plays the role of a cad that has come to grips with his own sentimentality and hopes to find a special someone that he once shared a moment with.  As to who that is, well it is a mystery easily solved about ten minutes into the movie.

Not to be upstaged in the unbelievablity department is the competition between two couples to have the first baby born in the new year for a monetary prize.  Is it unbelievable that this might happen in real life?  No - crazier things have been done in the real world for the almighty dollar.  It is in fact the performances of Seth Myers and Jessica Biel that are hard to fathom.  Myers delivers every other line with his hand-caught-in-the-cookie-jar expression from SNL: Weekend Update, and Biel has yet to master the ability to convince anyone that she can actually act. 

Then there is the arc shared by Michelle Pfeiffer and Zac Efron.  I was sure I would hate this one the most.  I cannot stress how overly contrived, incredibly cliché, and so overused the paradigm for their story line is, however it is still represents the most entertaining parts of the movie.  Effron is believable as a douchebag (obviously) bike messenger, but it is Michelle Pfeiffer who carries their story.  Of the one million characters in the movie, hers is the most sympathetic and the only one that seems to have any real depth despite the limited screen time.

As for the rest of the cast, Hilary Swank is there and fairly dour as she is charged with shouldering the gravitas of the movie.  Likewise Robert DeNiro, Abigail Breslin and Sarah Jessica Parker negotiate the mother-daughter relationship in ways that are not compelling.  Also appearing in the movie are Halle Berry, Common, Cary Elwes, Alyssa Milano (yes, apparently she still acts), Sofia Vergara, Carla Gugino, and so on and so forth and none of them do anything of significance to impact the movie one way or another.  As glorified extras, their presence actually breaks what little reality exist in the film as you find yourself thinking more about actor recognition rather than investing in the characters they are attempting to portray.

So I could sit here and tell you not to watch it (which is what I would suggest) but for the most part it probably won’t make much of a difference.  This is one of those movies that from the moment people first see the trailer, they instantly decide whether or not they are willing to invest their time and/or money on this project.  But if I can save even one person from this disaster, I will say it again: this is not a good movie.  It’s an exercise in quantity over quality so in lieu of one really good plotline you get five terribly weak ones.  The best recommendation I can make is to not only skip this movie, but to quit the genre altogether.

Standout Performance:  Michael Bloomberg and Ryan Seacrest.  They were asked to pay themselves.  It’s about as easy as acting can get.

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