Review: A Haunted House

When one looks back upon their lives, there’s always a handful of wrong decisions that makes you shake your head right there on the spot.  Maybe it was dressing up like Punky Brewster in the third grade or wasting six months of your life chasing a certain someone you would like to forget.  It doesn’t matter whether it was twenty years ago or twenty minutes ago, the pain of those memories elicits that involuntary action.  It had been a while since I last added to my personal list of epic missteps but that all changed the moment I decided to watch A Haunted House.  You may wonder why I even bothered with this film.  Was it because of boredom?  Sure and partially a reaction to the paucity of movies in the marketplace, but a mistake is a mistake and I paid for it dearly throughout the ninety minutes of running time.

The movie is a spoof of the Paranormal Activity franchise in much the same way the Scary Movie franchise approaches other horror films.  It should come as no surprise that Marlon Wayans serves as the writer and star of the projecting considering how bitter he has been even since he and his brother were pushed out of the Scary Movie films.  The plot of this film follows Wayans’ Malcom and his girlfriend Kisha (Essence Atkins) as they move into a house together and find a frivolous reason to set up a number of cameras all over their house only to find that a ghost is in their midst.

From start to finish this is a step-by-step parody loaded with lowbrow sex, race, drugs, and bodily function humor to go with a flurry of asinine physical comedy – and I use that word “comedy” very loosely.  Director Michael Tiddes, a man who going into this film had directed the same number of feature films as me (zero), should petitions IMDB to get this movie stricken from his resume as it is potentially the worst movie of not only the year but perhaps the decade.  While there are only so many things you can do in terms of cinematography with the “found footage concept,” my guess here is that you could get better entertainment value from watching the security feed of a retail store.  Across the board, A Haunted House is amateurish in humor, style, and direction.

It almost seems absurd to critique the acting in this movie, because, it’s like shooting fish in the barrel.  However, I am going to give a pass to David Koechner, Nick Swardson, and Cedric the Entertainer.  They knew what they getting into when the signed on the dotted line, and they give this film precisely what you would expect from each of them – over-the-top utterly nonsensical character portrayals whose successes are predicated upon the work of the protagonists.  Unfortunately, Marlon Wayans and Essence Atkins leave a lot to be desired in that department.

We’ve seen in the past what Wayans' can potentially be as an actor can be (Requiem for a Dream), but unfortunately more often than not we see what he is not (Scary Movie, Little Man).  It’s more of the same for Wayans in this movie – overacting and an array of histrionics designed to appeal to the lowest denominator in society.  It’s a tired act that torpedoes what little (if any) this movie has going for it and it’s precisely why he has been relegated to the fringe of the industry.  As for Atkins, she is a stereotype, a caricature, who does absolutely nothing to distinguish herself as a performer.  She and Wayans bring out the camp in each other.

So the movie is bad and the acting is terrible.  At the end of the day are you really surprised that A Haunted House is such a debacle?  Of course not.   The Paranormal Activity story arc is played out so there was no possible away a parody about it would play well.  Even still, there’s no excuse for a movie to be this bad.  Sure there are one or two moments where you almost laugh, but those moments are far too fleeting and far too few to make this worth the film it was printed on.  Avoid this one, and Scary Movie 5 (which is out in theaters today) and you will be far better off for it.  In fact, you would do well to strike the entire parody genre from your movie radar as it has morphed from a  once regarded comedic art form into cinematic poop.  You have been warned. 

Standout Performance: Shawn Wayans for sitting this one out.

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Review: 30 Minutes or Less

I’m a little late on this movie.  It’s been sitting on my iPad for months, but I’ve repeatedly passed it over in favor of other options.  I’m not really sure why.  On paper it looked like it should be a decent romp with Jesse Eisenberg undoubtedly delivering his usually nervous twitchy performance and with Danny McBride and Aziz Ansari sure to deliver some absolute hilarity.  Yet for some reason, I avoided it.  Having watched the movie, I now realize that I probably should have trusted my instincts on this one. 

The plot of 30 Minutes or Less follows Eisenberg’s Nick, a pizza delivery guy stuck in a life rut who is forced to rob a bank by McBride’s Dwayne – a man who has designs on opening up a tanning salon/whore house.   If the plot seems a bit juvenile and disjointed then you’re on the right track.

The problem with the movie first and foremost is that it is just not entertaining.  If you take it as a comedy, which would be an easy assumption given the cast, then you’ll find yourself disappointed.  Eisenberg is a good actor but is never really funny on his own.  His poor man’s Woody Allen shtick is more suited as the set up rather than the punch line.  To borrow a bowling analogy, he sets up the pins and other more charismatic actors knock them down.  Knowing that Ansari and McBride were cast in supporting roles, I thus expected a series of strikes.  But the kind of comedy that comes from letting very funny actors improvise and ad lib is sorely lacking and leaves` the plot feeling flat. 

On the other hand, if you went into the movie focused on the bank robbery, car chases, and explosions, you would undoubtedly find yourself equally underwhelmed.  The premise is silly, the execution loaded with plot holes, and the dialogue campy.  Nothing in the movie on the action side of the ledger is up to the task of masking those shortcomings.  These deficiencies  and specifically the campy quality of the film  would not have been as much an issue had the comedic pitch of the film been up to snuff, but unfortunately, such is not the case so all the attempts at physical comedy feel extremely pedestrian. 

As for the cast, each does very little to warrant merit.  Eisenberg was good in The Social Network, decent in Zombieland, and less than stellar in To Rome with Love.  Clearly he is a one trick pony.  The nervous neurotic pitch and posture that he carries himself with is far less charming and exponentially more annoying when the source material is weak as is the case in 3this film.  He doesn’t get much help from Danny McBride who is usually comedic gold when given the opportunity to run his lines loosely and see where it takes him.  It feels like he is reigned in during this movie so while the jokes are still raunchy and brash, they lack his usual laugh inducing punch.  Ditto for Ansari who is uncharacteristically tame as Eisenberg’s best bud and lacks a chemistry with Eisenberg.  As for Nick Swardson, his mere presence in the movie knocks it down a half grade on account of his work with Adam Sandler in You Don’t Mess with the Zohan, Grown Ups, and most specifically the cinematic atrocity that is Bucky Larson:Born to Be a Star.  He's not atrocious in this movie, but as usual, he's just not very good.

So the verdict is in on 30 MInutes or Less and that verdict says that this movie has TBS written all over it.  On a very slow Friday night when everyone you know is busy, the weather outside is crappy, and no good sports programming  is on TV, then you may  find value in watching this.  Otherwise I would have to say this is probably a no.  There are a ton of other movies that fuse the action and comedy genres into one with more laughs and adrenaline.  Normally I wrap up a review with a heads up on some other project that one of the principal cast members is involved with, but none of these guys really have anything good coming up on the big screen.  In lieu of this, I will offer up a one piece of advice: just say no to anything associated with Nick Swardson.

Standout Performance: Dilshad Vadsaria. For the actress, this is a case of less is more as in the less you appeared in this movie, the more props you receive.

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