Review: Texas Chainsaw 3D

As a youth, there were a few movies that truly terrified me – movies like Amityville Horror (1979), Psycho (1960), and The Texas Chain Saw Massacre.  Each did so in different ways using suspense and raw gore to varying degrees, but of the lot, the latter stood out as the most frightening.  The roar of the chainsaw and the gritty visuals made watching that film was an abusive assault on my nerves.  Unfortunately, since the film’s initial release the brand has been greatly watered down with sequels and reboots, all of which I’ve avoided for a myriad of reasons (i.e. Jessica Biel).  However, that recently changed with the forthcoming release of Texas Chainsaw 3D on DVD.  In the end it was not slick marketing or extreme boredom that made me cave in, but instead it was a fellow movie enthusiast's over-the-top gushing about the movie’s lead, Alexandra Daddario.  To hear him speak, you would think she was a mix between Emma Watson, Salma Hayek, and Jennifer Lawrence, of which she is not.  Any by the way, the movie’s not any good either.

The plot of Texas Chainsaw 3D starts with a quick trip down memory lane for the purpose of introducing a cousin of Leatherface that we – the viewing audience - were conveniently never aware of.  Fast-forward to the present, long lost cousin Heather (Alexandra Daddario) learns that she is adopted and has recently been willed an impressive inheritance.  When she travels back to Texas to take possession of the estate, she finds that there is a deep dark history between her biological family and the town in which they resided.  Bloodshed ensues.

There’s not a lot to say about the plot.  It’s your typical flimsy low rent horror premise with idiot youths, poor decisions, and dirty authority figures lining the narrative like people along the route of a parade.  I will say that while the movie starts out really bad, director John Luessenhop and writers Adam Marcus and Debra Sullivan prove that they are not content with that.  In the second and the third act, they make some interesting choices to ensure that movie continues to get significantly worse with each frame; culminating in a WTH ending that will leave you scratching your head. 

As for the cast, it is comprised of a bunch of people who don’t matter in the least.  Going into a horror flick, you know that the people orbiting around the protagonist are nothing more than cattle being led to the slaughter.  The only question is how relevant these individuals are to the advancement of the plot.  The group of friend circling around Alexandra Daddario’s Heather may be the most useless entourage in the history of the horror genre.  Trey Songz, Tania Raymonde, Keram Malicki-Sanchez, and Shaun Sipos may all be gifted actors (though I am guessing they are not), but one could not tell from this film as they bring absolutely nothing to the table.  Whether it was a matter of wasted screen time or wasted talent, the bottom line here is that their characters are a complete waste.

And so that brings us to Alexandra Daddario, the film’s protagonist/heroine.  I have to admit that I found her work in this film south of uninspired.  For the duration of the film, it seemed like she had one go-to look and turned to it every time there was an important (and I use that word lightly) moment in the plot.  With only one gear as an actress and limited onscreen charisma, her performance felt predictable and one-dimensional.  There just wasn’t much going on behind those steely glares, and while that look may have been very easy on the eyes, it grew painful to watch her try to sell her poorly written lines.  While I won’t go so far as to say she is as bad as Elisha Cuthbert was in House of Wax, she’s definitely in that neighborhood, and that’s not good for anyone.

Needless to say you should absolutely leave this one off the list of movies to watch for Halloween or any other occasion that might push you towards the macabre.  It’s an incredibly inferior product trying to trade off of the name of a movie that once upon a time was very relevant.  If fright and terror are what you seek, I would recommend that you shun these post-Saw era hollow gory updates, and go back to the raw classics when horror and terror were inspired by clever camera angles and taut storytelling.  They represent a better brand of frightful storytelling and will offer you far more entertainment value.

Standout Performance: Dan Yeager as Leatherface.  The mask fit him and he ably carrie around the chainsaw so I guess that’s a win.